Wednesday, March 3, 2010

51 Days Out!

Get comfortable, I think this is going to be a long post! I am emotional today and have a lot to talk about! LOL!

I have 8 weeks left with Diana. Time to get to work and get off the Eat-Whatever-I-Want bus! When I went in Monday, I had gained weight (again!) and Diana was NOT happy with me. Nor was I happy with myself! She gave me the verbal spankin' I needed to hear and got me refocused! I don't think Diana knew what she was getting into when she signed me up! She had to wear 2 hats on Monday...therapist and trainer! We talked the whole hour about food addiction and not sliding back into my patterns that got me to 200lbs (in between her kicking my butt all over the gym, of course!). It's a scary thought to think about how fast and easy that can happen. I do NOT want that to happen! I have been in a funk the past 3 weeks. I can't really pinpoint what is making me feel this way, except the disappointment I feel about not doing the competition. So I guess I pinpointed it! Ha! I was so pumped about it and I really let myself down by losing control. I think that's the part that bothers me the most. I have always had tough menstrual cycles, but I could not get a hold of myself mentally last month and that is very frustrating! I am going into my cycle again and the PMS has been pretty bad again this month. (I don't know if it's the change in seasons or what, but I am not alone in experiencing this...a couple of people around me are feeling the same way.) Especially the anxiety part, but again, I think I am remembering last month and am afraid I will lose control again this month! This month will be different, though, because I am at home and in my routine. Last month we were in Arizona and I just could not get a hold of myself....I am a control freak and especially during that time of the month, if I can't get control over myself, I tend to fall apart...apparently! Diana and I talked about self sabatoge too. I am Queen of sabatoge! When I start to get nervous that I am not going to succeed, I completely go in the other direction! So when there is that little voice in my head telling me to keep working hard, you can still look like a figure competitor by April, you can still do it.....the little devil in my head says oh yeah....no you can't...you want FRENCH TOAST!! lol! Guess who wins that argument in my head!! And thus begins the 3 week food frenzy!!

I felt the need to get busy when I woke up Monday. I did my cardio in the morning and then went to work out with Diana. So, talking with her and listening to her gave me the extra excitement I needed to start striving for balance. I love eating healthy. It makes me feel so good. I need to remember that before I let myself get to the point of eating french toast, or whatever it is that I tell myself it's okay to eat. There is an element of excitment I place on foods like that. I feel like crap AFTER, but, for example, when I go to the restaurant where I like to order french toast, I feel excited. I can't wait to look over the menu and then order and then when I get my food, I still feel so excited that I am about to eat french toast. Even right after I'm done, I still feel good....it's like I got away with something. Then the sugar sets in and my head gets swimmy and my stomach gets queasy and then I'm upset with myself.

The excitement that I feel towards food that aren't good for me, that don't make me feel good in the end.....that is one of the pieces of my journey that I need to figure out how to balance. And I know, it probably goes back to my childhood and blah, blah, blah....but I am an adult now and I can make the choice for what is best for ME! I can either find a healthier way to enjoy french toast (or whatever I am craving at the time) or have it as my once a week cheat meal.

I feel like this past year has been a true journey to getting healthy. It's not just about jumping in head first, going full throttle for a couple of months, losing a bunch of weight, and then it's over and I'm cured and fit and I can relax and eat whatever I want! It's been learning about myself and my patterns. I need to find balance. I am an all or nothing type person. I set huge goals and then hold my breath and tell myself just hold on until you get there!! Then I get there, exhale and throw everything out the window because I am so relieved I'm done, but I forgot to apply the lessons along the way! One thing I kept finding myself saying before I would eat something that I knew I shouldn't was...I'm sooo tired, I've been working on this for a year...waaaaa!! The truth is, I am going to be working on this for the rest of my life. I am not done when my sessions with Diana are over.

So, I am feeling good this week about where I am (with the exception of my cycle!) and have been eating great (which is probably why I am feeling good about where I am)! I have been doing cardio everyday, going to karate and training. I am going back to the basics. Keeping track of how many calories I burn each week and shooting for 3500-4000 per week. We bought an elliptical yesterday so that will be fun to use once Justin gets it put together! Also, another girl that Diana trains is at about the same place I am with her weightloss journey, so we are helping each other and keeping each other accountable too!

Does anyone else face these issues of food addiction and self sabatoge? If so, how are you working on it?

1 comment:

  1. of course you know that i struggle with that. so far i still have enough momentum going that i dont want anything to stand in my way but eventually i know that wall will come and i will have to struggle to get around it.

    have you read the Beck's book? I hear it is awesome and its supposed to teach you how to think of yourself as a skinny person and have a normal relationship with food AFTER YOU have lost a ton of weight. a bunch of my WW friends read it, the ones who have made goal anyways. i think they find it helpful.

    something i have been telling myself is... this isnt the last time i am ever going to eat this food, so i don't have to cram it down like my throat like it is. easter is in the near future with mom's enchiladas and i am trying to prepare myself for that. her enchiladas are my most favorite food, ever. i also let myself have some things... i love mexican food so i make it quite often. fat free refried beans and high fiber tortillas with hot sauce are a staple for me and satisfy any craving i had :) i just don't believe in deprivation.

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